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Mrrrr's Forum (VIEW ONLY)
Un forum care ofera solutii pentru unele probleme legate in general de PC. Pe langa solutii, aici puteti gasi si alte lucruri interesante // A forum that offers solutions to some PC related issues. Besides these, here you can find more interesting stuff.

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Diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

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An Old Man and His Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

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Deforestation

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The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON

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Three guys

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing
a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

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Osama just arrived in hell

Osama Bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama Bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was M Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," said Osama bin Laden, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was the A Khomeini with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day" commented Osama Bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama Bin Laden saw Mr Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK Monica, you're free to go."

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Pilot and a Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven? 'The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired Continental Airlines Pilot from Houston'.

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years.' Saint Peter consult s his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

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Sniffer Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

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On a passenger flight

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system
as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude
they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather,
and advises them to relax and have a good flight..

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot,
"What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to
run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the
passengers screams "Hey honey! Don’t forget the coffee!"

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Afterlife

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal
that whichever one dies first will contact the living one
from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from
him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.

Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an
afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks.

'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast.
Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but
I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more
sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep,
and wake up the next day."

"Oh, my god," says Sid. "So that's what heaven is like?"

"Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in
Yellowstone Park."

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Technology

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.

The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains

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After 12 years of therapy....

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something
that brought tears to my eyes..

He said, "No hablo ingles."

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A Catholic teenager goes to confession

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair
with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals
who the girl is.

"I promised not to tell!" he says.

"Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks.

"No, and I said I wouldn't tell."

"Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?"

"No, and I still won't tell!" '

Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?"

"No," says the boy.

'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you
for six months."

Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened.

"Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

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It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat
right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat
like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't
been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else,
a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

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A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons,
"Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it,
and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me
drinks."

The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in
the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs
a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator
opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed.
Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll
give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the
head with the beer bottle."

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes
the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when
the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream
store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters
instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the
game is over!”

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12 Things Not to Say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?", you probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

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The Nun and the Bedpan

A young Nun who worked for a local home health
care agency was out making her rounds when she
ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a
gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with
enough gas to start the car and drive to the station
for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that
the only gas can he owned had just been loaned
out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it
would be back shortly.

Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient,
she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to
carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a
bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always
resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled
it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her
car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said: "I know
that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine,
but if that car starts, I'm going to church every
Sunday for the rest of my life."

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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as he gives us'.

Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

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Beer

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs,
parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious
when offered a drink from any woman. Many
females use a date rape drug on the market called
"Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available
anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps
and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual
predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman
needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of
Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings
attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several beers, men will often succumb to the
desires to sleep with horrific looking women
whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only
hazy memories of exactly what happened to them
the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled
out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known
as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female
may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as
"marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this
scam after beer is administered and sex is offered
by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the
women administering it, there are male support
groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up
"Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

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I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and
I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret
in the future.

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Fuck a Duck

A big husky farm kid turns sixteen, so his father figures it's time to send him to town to get himself a woman. The farmer has very little money, so he gives the kid a duck and tells him to get a woman in trade.

The kid goes to town, goes into a whore house, and tells the madam he wants a girl in exchange for the duck. The madam laughs in his face, but one of the girls feels sorry for him and takes him upstairs.

They go into a room, they get undressed, he gets on her, and he gives her a fucking like she hasn't had in years.

When they're done, she says, “Kid, if you'll do that to me again, I'll let you keep your duck.”

He does it again, then grabs the duck, leaves the whorehouse, and heads for home. He's almost home when he sees the neighbor's daughter bending over the cabbages, and she's got no underwear on. He thinks about the night before, and he starts for her.

Her father sees him and stops him.

He says, “I recognize that gleam in your eye, son. I was young once, myself. Here, take this ten-dollar bill and go on home and leave my daughter alone.”

So the kid walks up to his house carrying the duck. His father sees him and gets upset.

He says, “Boy, I sent you to town to get a woman with that animal.”

The kid says, “Well, Paw, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, ten bucks for duckin' a fuck, and I still got the fuckin' duck.”

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Birthday Wish

A 14 year old kid asks his dad if he can have a bicycle for his Birthday.

His father says, “Well son...Can your dick touch your arsehole?”

The boy tries it and says, “No daddy, sorry”

“Well then you can't have a bike, get the fuck outta here!”

Next year the same scenario happens... “Can your dick touch your arsehole?”

“No dad”

“Then get the hell outta my face!”

Finally, the boy turns 16, and after a lot of hard work and some gymnastics, the boy's dick can touch his arsehole.

“Hey, Dad, how about a car now instead of a bike?”

The dad says, “Son, can your dick touch your arsehole?”

Shining with glee, the kid proudly says, “You bet Dad! Look!” The kid shows his dad that he could in fact touch his arsehole with his dick.

Then his Dad says, “Good, then go fuck yourself!”

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Fuck 'em All

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

After the tour of a reservation, she was curious about the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was, “One feather, one squaw.”

She asked another brave, feeling the first was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress.

He replied, “Four feathers, four squaws.”

Still not convinced that the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.

Walters: “Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?”

Chief: “Me Chief, fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, fuck-em all.”

Walters: “You ought to be hung!”

Chief: “Damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake.”

Walters: “You don't have to be so hostile!”

Chief: “Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, fuck-em all.”

Walters: “Oh, dear!”

Chief: “No deer. Bum too high, run too fast.”

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First Fuck

Johnny came home and pronounced loudly as he walked in the door “I had my first fuck today!”

His sister was furious “You nasty little boy! Get out of the kitchen!”

So Johnny went into the lounge. Here he told his mother “Guess what! I had my first fuck today.”

His mother hit the roof! “Go to your room! Your father will be home soon and he can deal with you!”

Poor old Johnny went dejectedly to his room. In time, his father arrived home. He kicked in the door to Johnny's room.

“Mother tells me you need a hiding boy! What's the story!”.

In a meek and timid voice, Johnny says, “I had my first fuck today, dad.”

Well, his dad was stoked. “Well done, boy! I'm so proud of you! My own son! You're a man now boy - I'll take you out to the pub tonight!”

So dad takes Johnny out to the pub. Surrounded by all dads friends, Johnny is the toast of the place.

“Well done they all yell.”

Dad asks Johnny “Well, son, now you're with the men. Tell us all, when are you going to have your next fuck, son.”

Johnny replies “When my ass stops bleeding, dad!.”

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A Funeral Service

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They then hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find the woman is actually alive.

She lived for 10 more years, and then died peacefully.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out: “Watch the fucking wall!”

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Ghosts

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

15 students raise their hands.

“That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

3 students raise their hands.

“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!? Dang it, I thought you said Goats.”

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Best Friend

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, “That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?”

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, “I found my wife in bed with my best friend.”

“Wow,” says the barkeep. “What did you do about it?”

“I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out.”

“That makes sense,” remarks the barkeep. “And, what about your best friend?”

“I looked him right in the eye and yelled: BAD DOG!”

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Old Age Woes

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

The 80 year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The 90 year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I do my business with the gusto of a cow.”

“So what's your problem?” ask the others.

“I don't wake up until nine!”

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24 Hours To Live

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, “Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?” Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Alma's shoulder and said, “Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.”

She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

“Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?”

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't.”

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of
our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all
at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s#*t inside!

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Woman says to her Husband, "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"

Husband replies, "That's just not true. Sometimes I want a kebab."

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Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr. Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like"."

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When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not
only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"
statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him,
the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander,
however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet
Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or
American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to
what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech,
a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally
responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer
the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend
hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His
neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting
at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next
door walks on the moon!"

-----
Urban legend But still funny

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes
the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when
the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream
store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters
instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the
game is over!”

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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through
the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find
a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.. Would you like to buy
a tie? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.
I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do
not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back & said,
"Your frigging brother won't let me in without a tie!"

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A man sees an advert in a pet shop selling a talking centipede for £5000. He buys the centipede and takes it home in a small box. He opens the box and asks if the centipede if it would like to go for a pint, no response.

After half an hour the man asks again, no response. Raising his voice the man repeats the question, nothing. Getting angry and thinking he has been ripped off the man shouts the question at the centipede, at this point the centipede sticks its head out the box and says ' I heard you the first time I was putting my shoes on.

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Wife - You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?
Hubby - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled
How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we were friends .'

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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one,too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?"he asked..."How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

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Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
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Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
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Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!
********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again..
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Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was ***.
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Great.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
they each had a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents.
Do you think they went up for water?

I now have the answer...

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

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Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

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An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love,Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 55 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old man what his name is.'

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A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

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Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.

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Mike's death

Two guys are sitting at the bar. One says, "Did your
hear the news? Mike's dead."
"Whoa! What happened to him?"
"Well, he's on his way over to my place the other day
and when he arrives outside the house he doesn't brake
properly and BOOM – he hits the curb and the car flips
up and he crashes through the sunroof. He goes flying
through the air and smashes through my upstairs bedroom
window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No, no, he survives that; that doesn't kill him at all.
He lands in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered
in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old
antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up
for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging
himself up when BANG – this massive wardrobe comes
crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking
most of his bones.."
"What a way to go! That's terrible."
"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he survives that. He
manages to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out
onto the landing. He tries to pull himself
up on the banister but under his weight, the banister
breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor.
In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall
on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right
through him and into the flooring."
"Now, *that* is a most unfortunate way to go!"
"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he even survives
that; he pulls himself loose. So now he's on the
downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He
crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on
the cooker, but latches onto a big pot of boiling
water and WHOOSH – the whole thing comes
down on him and burns most of his skin off."
"What a horrible death!"
"No, no, he survives that, too. He's lying in
all that water, and he spots the phone with his
one remaining eye and tries to pull himself up
to call for help, but instead he grabs the light
switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall
and the water and electricity don't mix and so
he's lying there with the juice running through
him and can't get away from it."
"What an ugly way to die!"
"No no, he even survives *that*, then he..."
"Hold on now....just how the hell DID he die?"
"I shot him."
"You shot Mike? What the hell did you
shoot him for?"
"Well, duh! He was wrecking my house.."

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A Duck Walks Into A Bar

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

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Bubba and a friend of his went to Wal-Mart one day. There was a drawing going on, so they bought a chance on it. Bubba's friend wins second prize, a years supply of spaghetti. Bubba won 7th prize, a toilet brush.

A couple weeks later, Bubba and his friend are at McDonald's having lunch. Bubba asks how the spaghetti was going. "Great," says his friend. I haven't ate so much for a long time."

Then his friend asks Bubba how the toilet brush is working out.

Bubba shakes his head sadly. "Not so good," he says. "In fact, I'm thinking of switching back to paper again."

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(If you don't get this joke, then Google Earth the Phoenix area and show the roads...)

A policeman pulled over a car that was westbound on I-10 through the middle of Phoenix, going only 15 MPH. When he walked up to the car, he noticed that there was an elderly lady driving.

"Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No, officer," she replied.

"You were going 15 miles per hour on the freeway."

"I'm sorry, officer, if I was going too fast," she replied.

"Too fast? No, you were going too slow," he answered.

"Too slow?.... but I saw the sign, it said 10 MPH."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "the speed limit here is 75. What you saw was the highway sign. This is Interstate 10."

"Oh, I'm sorry, officer," she replied.

The officer then looked into the back seat, and noticed that there were two other elderly ladies in the back, gripping the armrests on the doors, faces drawn in shock, and completely paralyzed in fear.

"Ma,am," the officer said, gesturing into the back seat, "do you know what's wrong with them?"

"Yes, officer," she replied. "I believe it's because I just got off the 202."

************************

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right
up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen!

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

****************************

You've got to love the Irish logic.

A TV program that was never airedd in Ireland...........

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease... Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ...............
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information? But what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired?

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My boss is a fellow named Sid
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid
Just outside his door
A sign said, "Wet floor,"
Sid saw it, and read it, and did!

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